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The Latch Page
"The Latch"....a term that strikes panic in the hearts of all who hear it! So what is the Latch? The Latch is that person who "tries" to hang out with you even though you really, really, REALLY don't want them to! Yeah, you know what I'm talking about because we've all been "latched" at one time or another. The one who asks you completely irrelevant questions at the worst possible times, and insists on taking part of conversations that do not involve nor include them. The one who stands and nanometers behind you, or looks over your shoulder so blatantly that you can't see in front of you. You get the idea!
I recall my first latch in Grade One…some kid who didn't know my name but insisted on budding in the lunchroom line behind me. He also insisted on calling me "friend". Being a kid at the time, I replied by saying, "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, YOU STUPID-HEAD!!!!" Even though I had used the harshest of insults, he still insisted on calling me "friend". What a dumbass!
The Latch is no laughing matter though. It is an unfortunate situation that no one should have to go through because, DAMNIT, it's a bloody waste of your valuable time!!! I hope that the following methods will help you "de-latch" the Latch!
De-Latching Techniques
These de-latching techniques should be exercised in the following order. Often you'll find that you won't have to go beyond the first three. Never do more than you have to, I always say!
1.First avoid eye contact. This is an absolute must.
2.Don't be so friendly. Sounds cruel doesn't it, but you need to nip this in the bud or else you'll be on technique #7 before you know it!
3.Do not offer the conversation. Always answer with "Yes" or "No" and never more than that otherwise you'll suffer the consequences.
4.Don't take any crap from the Latch. It's time to get tough.
5.If the previous tips have failed, then ignore the Latch. Being tough hasn't worked since the Latch can be pretty persistent.
6.When the Latch looks over your shoulder next time ask them, "Can I help you?" It doesn't necessarily have to be in a rude tone, the question alone should confuse the Latch enough to get 'em off your back.
7.Boy, you must be in real trouble. Leave the scene. If you see the Latch coming to "hang" with you then you must leave at any cost! Go to the bathroom, go get a snack, go home, just RUN man RUN!!!
8.This isn't a technique I like but it does work. Go talk to another friend while latched, then discretly transfer the latch to your friend. This is absolutely heartless but desperate times call for desperate measures!!
9.If you've gone through all the other techniques then you've been latched pretty badly! Endless pity on you! It's time to get rude! It's time to break out verbal abuse otherwise you've got a lifelong Latch. Guilt must not be considered here!
10.Leave the country
11.Join the Witness Protection Program to gain a new identity and life. However this doesn't necessarily mean that you won't find another latch in your new life. Sorry, as Curtis Blow said "That's the breaks!"
Latch Scenarios
I'm going to draw from some of current Latch experiences (and I'm sure that y'all can relate) to illustrate some de-latching techniques in play:
So, you're working pretty intensely at a computer terminal on some massive programming assignment when all of a sudden,"Hey! What are you doing?" Now, I'm not one to be rude so I responded with, "Oh, just working on the assignment." BIG MISTAKE! Never offer the conversation. Use de-latch technique #3.
The Latch may ask you how you are doing and, being nice, you respond with an effervescent, "Oh, I'm fine thanks." To your surprise the Latch asks you, "WHY?!" Confusion is your natural response. Well, you should have never made the mistake of being friendly in the first place. You're best bet is to use technique #4.
Another time the Latch asked to borrow some of my notes. I wrongly agreed. Now I am guilty of having pretty crappy handwriting, but there was absolutely no call for the Latch to say, "OH, CHICKEN SCRATCHES!" Technique #4, never ever take any crap from The Latch. I got mad and said rather sternly, "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?!" The Latch felt fear (righfully so!) and thus apologized. Utilize fear when appropriate, it may be your only hope!
The Latch has, on occasion, been inebriated. Should this happen, they will tend to become mouthy. Technique #4 in full-effect, and yes, you may exercise technique #9 and break out the insults because alcohol makes The Latch more ignorant than normal! NO HOLDS BARRED!!!
Still Got The Latch?
It's time for some interactive help from the De-latch Masters! That would be myself, and my cohorts Steve Bodor and Waj Khan. Contact one of us and I'm sure we could help you with some creative solutions. Each one of us has successfully de-latched the Latched. Oh, don't even think of trying to use technique #8 on us because we'll turn it right back on you!
Happy de-latching!!!
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1 comment:
Interesting to know.
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